Round, semi-soft, wedgie, logs … so many varieties and shapes, but how do you look like you know what’s up while you indulge in that ubiquitous NYC menu feature — the cheese plate?

I was recently tutored in the proper way to Cheese, and I’m passing along the learnings to you. (”Because livin’ large takes learning large…”) What kind of cheese? It’s important to get the lay of the land. The first thing you should do is figure out what general type of cheese each piece is. The world of cheese is divided into what we’ll call raw (”soft” or “semi-soft”), semi-cooked and cooked.

What can I eat? Before we move on the how to cut the cheese (har har), let’s discuss what part of the cheese you can eat. For raw cheese, you typically can and should eat the outside, no matter how gross and putrid it looks. For semi-cooked and cooked, you do not eat the outside.

Cutting the cheese. Like everything associated with the dinner table, there is etiquette associated with cutting cheese.

• (1) Log: slice into discs.
• (2) Cylindrical, squat: slice into wedges. (Note that a tall cylinder would be put on its side into log form.)
• (3a) Wedge, upright: the idea here is to preserve the wedge shape of the cheese by cutting pieces at an angle (let’s just say 45 degrees) to the back of the cheese rind instead of cutting parallel to the rind, which would make the cheese a trapezoid. About midway, you can cut the cheese perpendicular to the rind or continue at an angle.
• (3b) Wedge, lying on side: cut parallel to the back of the cheese rind up to about mid-way through. Then cut perpendicular to the rind (this is to prevent one slice from having all of the rind at the end.)
• (4) Rectangular, lying on side: cut into strips (parallel to rind)

Thoughts, objections?

Pictures have been added for the feeble-minded. I will only

A fine example of 3b, or the side wedge.
Photo of a wedge of raw cheese, which you just eat - fur and all.

3a, the upright wedge in action. Simply masterful.

And finally …. Now that’s how you cut a cheese log!