It’s the time of year you have to repeat who you are and what you do about a billion times. For most of you out there, even those who don’t work in some obscure area of finance, this can be somewhat of a difficult task.

Which is why we’ve come up with a handy 20-seconds or less response — tailored to each person you might encounter over the holidays.

Enjoy!

Parents: “I have a job.”

Uncle Marty: “Buy Google.”

Grandparents: “You want more cake?” (Them: “What?”) “I said, do you want more cake?”

Younger brother: “Whatever you do, don’t do what I’m doing. People will tell you it’s awesome but it’s not.”

Friends from high school: “Investment banking’s great because I’m learning a lot — the learning curve is really steep. And my MD is awesome. I mean this guy is such a badass. Dude, this one time … ”

Person at party you want to get rid of: “You ever see American Psycho?”

Hipster/trustafarian: I work at JPMorgan — just like your Dad.

Girl at a house party: “You come here often?”

Girl at bar: “I was in banking, but I’m in vertically integrated manufacturing now. I quit to start my own line of t-shirts. We just got picked up by Barneys so it’s really a breakthrough year for us. Hey … maybe you’d be interested in modeling?”

Girl from Staten Island: “You’re my fucking assistant. Don’t you know what I do?”

Another banker: [secret handshake]

Default answer for anyone outside of NYC: I’m in finance.