Interview: HELP! I’ve Been Invited to a WASP Christmas!
By BankersBall on Dec 23, 2006 in Etiquette Time, Interviews, Lifestyle, WASPs
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It’s the time of year where you may not only be forced to hang out with your family, but your dreaded in-laws or in-laws to be. Isn’t it funny how f’kd up other people’s families can be? But for those of you with bfs/gfs from a different background, these are dangerous times — you’re like a fish out of water, a banker out of of his cubicle, if you will. B.A., our controversial resident WASP, has some tips for those of you who have to spend your X-mas among the white-bread, freckle-faced crowd, and to do it with elan.
Q: First, B.A., where do WASPs celebrate Christmas? Where will they take me????
A: You will most likely be getting on the MetroNorth to New England. New England is the breeding ground for the WASP of the nation, and almost every WASP in the country was either born in this area, or is second generation from this area. Prime real estate areas include: Greenwich, CT Wellesley, MA and Manhasset, NY to name a few. Also, the Main Line areas of Pennsylvania, as well as the Eastern Shore areas of Maryland and DC are WASPalicious too.
Q: What should I wear to a WASP gathering?
A: If the words “Eurotrash” or “hipster” at all describe your style, there’s nothing I can do for you. First, you cannot wear anything remotely “hip” — no Diesel (except for a handful of acceptable jeans), Guess (arf), Ed Hardy apparel (or anything with cheesy graphic art for that matter), or anything from purchased from Lounge or Intermix. WASPs are not concerned with being hip or trendy. Tasteful, conservative, and comfortable is the look they go for — think Ralph Lauren Purple Label (egads no Polo Sport), Burberry, Vineyard Vines, Thomas Pink, J Crew, Nantucket Reds, Pringle, Brooks Brothers, and Barbour. Also I think I covered this already with my Eurotrash comment, but no Lacoste (also: it’s so pedestrian).
Q: What should I give a WASP?
A: Gift giving WASP style isn’t easy. Most of these people come from old money and have everything they could ever imagine. This calls for creativity, but after all the thought and money you spend, your gift still won’t be good enough. Orvis is a great spot to pick up anything for the yuppie sportsman, be it a fly fishing rod to a bird call set, you can’t go wrong here. A Scottish wool cap or fleece dog sweater for the family English Labrador are also good Christmas gifts that also can be purchased at Orvis. This year, I’m buying my father a Scottish engraved pewter flask so he can booze whilst golfing with his buddies. A nice bottle of expensive single-malt scotch and a can of Virginia roasted peanuts will undoubtedly do the trick, and remember most WASPs are either Irish or come from cultures known to drink heavily, so alcohol will never be scoffed at.
Q: What are the Dos and Don’ts? Help me out with some WASP etiquette.
A: Depending on who you are staying with, anything can be fair game. Many WASPy households are conservative, so unless you are looking to have your balls served for Christmas Eve dinner, do not talk about how much a failure the war in Iraq is, how Rumsfeld was a moron — you will be eaten alive. In fact keep conversations strictly limited to golf, going to golf tournaments, golf vacations, and country clubs. Even if you don’t golf, talk about how you would just loooooove to pick up the game and how you have been looking at clubs, blah blah. Brownie points: tell them your uncle is a member at National and that maybe you can get them on the course to play. They will eat that shit up. They may even hook you up with a job if you go play golf with them, so it’s in your best interest to spit some game. And while golfing, try to keep swearing to a minimum (I have a problem with that), but if you see the good old boys running around with their whale ties on their heads, you better join ‘em. Live by the “When in Rome” mentality and don’t open your liberal, tree-hugging mouth.
Related:
Wishing You a Very WASPy Christmas
On Dec 24, 2006, WASPier said:
Um, do you even know what the acronym WASP means (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant)? Irish people, being Catholic and Celts CLEARLY do not count as WASPs. While the WASPS have been known to imbibe a few from time to time, they don’t come near the drunken levels of their Celtic cousins…
On Dec 24, 2006, WASPiest said:
the Irish reference is highly erroneous
On Dec 25, 2006, Carlos Viagra said:
Very funny artcle…makes alot of sense!
On Dec 26, 2006, The Corner said:
I don’t think it is required for one to meet all the terms of W-A-S-P to be considered a WASP. Obviously plenty of Catholics are WASPs, and you would know this if you ever hung out at 84th and Park on a Sunday morning.
On Dec 26, 2006, Fin McMullen said:
A WASP Irishman? Did I miss a part of mass where Father Murphy told us we were all protestants now?
On Dec 27, 2006, Loyola said:
Good call on the reference to Saint. Ignatius church.
On Dec 27, 2006, shoegazejames said:
full of holes my man, the english Labrador won’t be well-attired in a Scottish wool cap and as for burberry!! Has the term chav made it accross the pond yet? Mind you maybe that’s the whole point about WASPs, at heart they’re behind the times wannabee’s…
On Dec 27, 2006, Judge Elihu Smails said:
Manhasset? Come on, Queens has been creeping east for years and long ago took over Manhasset. All you have to do is hang out on Plandome Road on the weekends to check out the sweat-suited white trash double parking their Escalades. Long Island, RIP.
On Dec 28, 2006, Hugh Jorgen said:
Unless they’re now called WIC’s (White Irish Catholics), I don’t think WASP’s are from Ireland…
Other than that error, the overall content of the article was rather humorous…now I best be getting back to orvis.com where I was making some after-Christmas purchases…
On Dec 28, 2006, Thomas "Biff" Reginald, III said:
what to get a WASP? easy, a d*ck in a box…to match the one they have up their lame asses. U wankers.
On Jan 2, 2007, Royston Vasey IV said:
You fools simply don’t know history. I would say many if not most American WASPS have Irish backgrounds, and when I say Irish I mean Ulster or Northern Ireland (i.e., Protestant).
The alcohol references are spot-on, and in my experience one is not truly a WASP unless one is not at least a moderate alcoholic. WASPS don’t parade our habits/addictions for all the world to see, unlike certain other groups.
Burberry, Polo, Thomas Pink are NOT WASP.
J Press is a classic WASP / Trad clothing store.
On Jan 4, 2007, Anonymous said:
- believe it or not, country clubs are almost BELOW the true new england old money families - when they think of country clubs they think of fat dumb men spending lots of cash in a pro shop. gentleman’s clubs are more like it.
- why the fuck did the writer mention yuppies? aren’t yuppies practically the antithesis of old money?
- “many WASPy households are conservative”; many are liberal, too, fuckhead. ever heard of the Brahmins?
seriously, i’m sick of all the misconceptions of “the upper class.” and it’s hardly even worth discussion at this point; the “WASP elite” is 90% extinct. look at the Forbes 400, look at the political heavyweights, etc.
“Most … have everything they could ever imagine” not anymore, old chap. for example, look up the Nantucket article in the NYTimes where they explain how the cute little old money families were in fact poor compared to the billionaires jet-setting to the island.
by the way: do not think that working on Wall St is a status symbol. holding down a job in investment banking is no indication of good breeding these days. you CAN make tons of money and connections, though.
On Apr 6, 2007, sloaney squarey said:
wannabe english people. lame. get your own culture american fools. you’ll never be as refined or classy or generally aware as we are. doubtless in a hundred years time you’ll all have died out. whereas we’ll still be going strong.
it’s the royal borough baby!
On Apr 26, 2007, fdr said:
if we are lame Americans, how come you couldnt hold on to the thirteen colonies?
On Nov 7, 2007, Southern gentleman said:
Heavens! What foul language! Can we not express our opinions with more dignity? WASP or non-WASP?
On Apr 25, 2008, Anonymous said:
WASPy tendencies:
- Boarding/Prep school (get expelled at least once), make mediocre grades
- Ivy League as a legacy (join the right
fraternity/society)
- Graduate again w/ mediocre grades (too smart to fail out, but have too much fun to get perfect grades)
- Travel Europe for 3 months w/ fraternity brothers as graduation/not-getting-arrested present.
- Work for Fathers Firm and become best lawyer/I-Banker/Commercial Real Estate Agent/etc..because you were taught from a young age how to make it happen
- Take 1-year off to sail with hot new wife.
- Inherit home as the 9th+ generation resident.
- Have old merc diesel, refuse to buy a new car, buy a merc mechanic instead to live in the in-law apartment and keep it running.
- Beach House on elite South Carolina Island (has been in family since a strategic marriage in early 1800’s).
- Political Views: Libertarian
- Attire: Conservative, Classic, Functional.
- Drink of Choice: Nicely aged Single-Malt
- Christmas: Family gathering at the house, Beat your brother at the 19th annual who-can-wear-the-tackiest-Christmas-sweater contest, egg-nog & bourbon, family snow-ball fight, church, a few charity benefits/gala’s, at least one Christmas production at the theater, Realize your uncle Henry introduced you to 4 different women over the past week and introduced each one of them as his girlfriend.
On Apr 25, 2008, anon said:
WASPy tendencies:
- Boarding/Prep school (get expelled at least once), make mediocre grades
- Ivy League as a legacy (join the right
fraternity/society)
- Graduate again w/ mediocre grades (too smart to fail out, but have too much fun to get perfect grades)
- Travel Europe for 3 months w/ fraternity brothers as graduation/not-getting-arrested present.
- Work for Fathers Firm and become best lawyer/I-Banker/Commercial Real Estate Agent/etc..because you were taught from a young age how to make it happen
- Take 1-year off to sail with hot new wife.
- Inherit home as the 9th+ generation resident.
- Have old merc diesel, refuse to buy a new car, buy a merc mechanic instead to live in the in-law apartment and keep it running.
- Beach House on elite South Carolina Island (has been in family since a strategic marriage in early 1800’s).
- Political Views: Libertarian
- Attire: Conservative, Classic, Functional.
- Drink of Choice: Nicely aged Single-Malt
- Christmas: Family gathering at the house, Beat your brother at the 19th annual who-can-wear-the-tackiest-Christmas-sweater contest, egg-nog & bourbon, family snow-ball fight, church, a few charity benefits/gala’s, at least one Christmas production at the theater, Realize your uncle Henry introduced you to 4 different women over the past week and introduced each one of them as his girlfriend.