Chuck Norris Asset Management is hiring and paying top dollar
By BankersBall on Sep 3, 2007 in Emails & Diversions
Email going around. Author is not noted in the email, but looks someone riffed on the Chuck Norris facts phenom for the financiers out there.
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Chuck Norris thinks Credit Crunch is a breakfast cereal.
Chuck Norris’s subprime CDO is par bid.
Only Chuck Norris can rollover commercial paper.
Chuck Norris funds at Libor flat.
Chuck Norris Asset Management is hiring and paying top dollar.
Chuck Norris sold Countrywide cds at +1200 and bought it back at+350.
Chuck Norris can borrow at the discount window.
Chuck Norris can sell $300bln in high yield loans before lunch.
Chuck Norris’s curves are never inverted.
Chuck Norris doesn’t hedge. He waits.
And the best… Chuck Norris doesn’t mark to market. The market marks to Chuck Norris.
On Sep 5, 2007, Ben Kretzmann said:
How obvious is it that Asians/Indians wrote the majority of those jokes…
“Chuck Norris sold Countrywide cds at +1200 and bought it back at+350.”
Pure Asian/Indian poser baller cheese
On Sep 28, 2007, Charles Surface said:
Weak. Author is Mark Gilbert, of that little known outfit ‘Bloomberg’. And here’s the original version:
Chuck Norris’s Tears Might Solve Credit Crunch: Mark Gilbert
2007-09-26 19:35 (New York)
Commentary by Mark Gilbert
Sept. 27 (Bloomberg) — A famous series of jokes uses the
actor Chuck Norris, martial artist and star of “Walker, Texas
Ranger,” as a paragon of masculinity and omnipotence. “Guns
don’t kill people, Chuck Norris kills people,” goes one. “Chuck
Norris doesn’t get wet, water gets Chuck Norris,” goes another.
Similar thinking can be applied to the current state of
financial markets. Here, then, is the world of money recast in
Chuck Norris terms.
Chuck Norris doesn’t target inflation. He roundhouse-kicks
it until it begs for mercy.
The Chuck Norris dollar buys 3 Canadian dollars, and trades
at parity with the euro.
Chuck Norris doesn’t supply collateral, only collateral
damage.
The tears of Chuck Norris would supply enough liquidity to
solve the credit crisis. Too bad he never cries.
When the yield on a Chuck Norris bond goes up, the price
also rises.
Chuck Norris trades on fear and greed simultaneously.
Alan Greenspan calls Chuck Norris “The Maestro.”
Chuck Norris has already banked his dividend payment from
Northern Rock Plc.
Chuck Norris funds at Libor flat.
Chuck Norris Asset Management made 50 percent on its
subprime mortgage-backed bond fund last month.
Chuck Norris doesn’t borrow at the Fed’s discount window.
Chuck Norris LENDS at the Fed’s discount window.
Chuck Norris’s curves never invert.
Net income at Goldman Sachs Group Inc. rose 79 percent in
the third quarter; profit at Chuck Norris Securities Inc. climbed
80 percent.
There is no market regulator. Just a list of securities
Chuck Norris allows to be traded.
Chuck’s iPhone never needs recharging.
Chuck Norris doesn’t buy gold to hedge against inflation.
Gold buys Chuck Norris to hedge against inflation.
Chuck Norris charges the Bank of England a penalty rate for
borrowing. And guarantees its deposits.
Chuck Norris is the pilot Ben Bernanke calls when he wants
to shower the economy with dollar bills. Sometimes, Chuck refuses
to fly.
Chuck Norris gets ALL of his funding from the asset-backed
commercial paper market.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mark-to-market. The market marks to
Chuck Norris.
When the U.S. economy sneezes, the world catches a cold.
When Chuck Norris sneezes, the U.S. economy catches pneumonia.
When Chuck Norris makes you a price, it isn’t an offer; it’s
an obligation to buy.
Chuck Norris isn’t a market maker; he IS the market.
Chuck Norris can still get a 125 percent mortgage on a $2
million condo without providing proof of earnings.
Chuck Norris subprime collateralized debt obligations still
trade at 100 percent of face value.
Chuck completed Halo 3 on his Microsoft Corp. Xbox 360 on
the day before the computer game went on sale.
Chuck Norris has a trade surplus with China.
(Mark Gilbert is a Bloomberg News columnist. The opinions
expressed are his own. Click on {LETT } to comment on this
column and write a letter to the editor.)
–Editor: Henry (jmg).
To contact the writer of this column:
Mark Gilbert in London at +44-20-7073-3051 or
magilbert@bloomberg.net
On Oct 1, 2007, BankersBall said:
Hm, well a) this was posted on 9/3, whereas the B’berg article seems to have been published on 9/27; b) the only one in common is the “mark to market”